1、小时候最怕的不是睡觉梦见厕所找不到了，而是人还没醒来，厕所找到了。
When I was a child, what I was most afraid of was not sleeping and dreaming that the toilet could not be found, but that the toilet could be found before I woke up.
2、中午我妈喊我：“都12点了，还不起床太阳都晒屁股了”。吓得我赶紧起来给屁股涂上防晒霜。
At noon, my mother called me: "it's 12 o'clock, and it's sunny before I get up.". Scared me to get up and put sunscreen on my ass.
3、同样都是咸鱼，为什么别人可以翻身，而我却粘锅了？
The same is salted fish, why others can turn over, but I stick to the pot?
4、别问我为什么总是爱漏脚脖子，不是因为我年轻，而是因为那是我身上最瘦的地方了。
Don't ask me why I always miss my ankles, not because I'm young, but because it's the thinnest part of me.
5、何以解忧，唯有睡觉，一觉治百病，一觉平天下。
How can I relieve my sorrow? Only sleep can cure all diseases with one sleep and calm the world with one sleep.
6、鱼和熊掌不可兼得，穷与丑却能同时拥有，胖和矮还如影随形。
You can't have both fish and bear's paw, but you can have both the poor and the ugly, and you can also have both the fat and the short.
7、今天被帅哥摸了头，他说：“吹头发加五块”。
Today by the handsome boy touched the head, he said: "blow hair plus five dollars."
8、请问有要泳圈的吗？我的腰上有，谁要自己想办法，免费拿走。
Do you have any swimming rings? I have it on my waist, who want to find their own way, take it for free.
9、“特别能吃苦”这5个字，我想了想，我做到了前4个。
"Special can bear hardships" these five words, I want to think, I did the first four.
10、古代真好，承受太多压力就会成妖、成神、成魔；而现代，承受太多就会成神经病。
Ancient good, bear too much pressure will become a demon, a god, a demon; In modern times, if you take too much, you become mentally ill.
11、别问我为什么那么能熬夜，我是半夜出生的孩子，天生能熬。
Don't ask me why I can stay up so late. I was born in the middle of the night and I was born to stay up.
12、有人网恋吗？只能接受15km的异地恋，再远我的电瓶车就没电了。
Is there anyone dating online? I can only accept a long-distance relationship of 15km before my battery runs out.
13、从来不羡慕微信运动排行第一的人，因为他们可能并没有走多远，只是腿短。
Never envy the WeChat sports number one person, because they may not walk far, just short legs.
14、我是一个很有原则的人，我的原则是：好吃的在哪里，我就在哪里。
I am a very principled person, my principle is: where the good food is, I will be where.